by Peter Löcke //
The suicide of Clemens Arvay. The big peace demonstration in Berlin. Long-standing, local tenants who are given notice due to municipal migration requirements. A retirement home that has to close for the same reason to make room. That was just a small excerpt of current news that would be big enough to be examined in more detail if considered individually. However, the ever-increasing frequency of such news and the one-sided way in which the leading media deal with all these topics is making us increasingly speechless. War, climate, corona, migration, inflation, gender speak and then all over again. Sometimes stopping, pausing and keeping your distance seems to be the healthiest solution. That's why this column is about social distancing in the broadest sense. Which topic exactly? I'll keep you in suspense for a while.
Louis van Gaal alias Tulip General. Even non-football fans are familiar with the 71-year-old coaching legend from the Netherlands. Principled, reclusive, stubborn, often in a bad mood because he is constantly at loggerheads with the media. In other words: a guy with rough edges. A guy you simply have to like. Manners and respectful treatment are important to van Gaal. Whether as Bonds coach or FC Bayern coach - his players had to be on first-name terms with him. But it didn't stop with the kicking millionaires. Even his two grown-up daughters have to address Papa van Gaal as "you" to this day. When I read that for the first time a long time ago, I laughed out loud. Now I don't laugh anymore, which finally brings me to the topic of this column: everyone calls me "you" these days. Without being asked. Too little distance. Too little decency.
It starts with young people and children who address me as a matter of course on the streetcar or in the pedestrian zone. Then I react in the tone of Robert Habeck, who studied German. "You're not getting the you, dude!"
My criticism here is shamefully limited. After all, my generation's upbringing is partly responsible for this phenomenon. And wasn't I a bit of a rebel myself? Now there have been and still are efforts by the JuSos in Berlin to ensure that pupils and teachers are on first-name terms in future. In the JuSo logic for a better, trustworthy and peaceful relationship between teacher and pupil. Perhaps that is the case. But perhaps there is a reason why Berlin is at the bottom of all Pisa studies and at the same time top of the table when it comes to violence in schools. I would love to ask Louis van Gaal. After all, as well as being a soccer coach, he is also a qualified teacher. What's more, his relationship with his daughters, who call him by his name, is considered close and intimate.
If it were just children, I could live with it, but Mrs. Hinz and Mr. Kunz are now lurking everywhere. The salesman in the telecoms store is on first name terms with me. The tradesman I've ordered calls me by my name. It can't be because I'm so good-looking. That would be nice, but those days are over. So what's the problem?
From my environment to the media. Some TV and radio presenters call me by my first name, and that doesn't mean the KinderKanal. In the communities of these formats, it is already customary to address the readership on a first-name basis. "Tell us what you think about the topic and follow our social channels!" That's linguistically too close and intrusive for me. Incidentally, when I'm asked to comment on an animal documentary about brown bears on Arte or ZDF, I don't need an additional bear emoji. Writing once evolved from visual language. Humanity seems to want to regress. I digress.
Back to the first names and advertising. I want to watch a YouTube video, but before I do, an alleged self-made millionaire jumps out at me in the ad block. "If you want to finally be successful too, then...". I immediately switch off the sound and have a serious word with my PC. "Listen to me, you ass. I'd rather write than be successful professionally. If I do change direction at some point, it certainly won't be by spending a thousand euros on your stupid online seminar."
As you can see, I tend to throw short tantrums. Then I calm down and quickly find my way back to a factual level. Even now. It's not the you that's the real problem, because the you means closeness and closeness is a beautiful thing. The problem is the forced you, the forced closeness. All coercion is unpleasant. All coercion is invasive. The imposed you is like the RKI's AHA rule. Only with the signs reversed. A legally prescribed distance can be just as inhumane as a linguistically prescribed proximity. Everyone should be free to decide for themselves what distance feels healthy for them.
There is hope. The actual impetus for this column was a brief and beautiful encounter in front of a train station in the deep Ruhr region. Waiting for my train, smoking a cigarette, I was approached by an obviously homeless person. So far so normal in the best Germany ever. What was not normal was how he did it.
"Excuse me, please. I really don't want to bother you. Could I buy you a cigarette?"
He smiled at me uncertainly, shamefacedly keeping a respectful distance of about one meter. A 50-cent piece lay in his outstretched, dirty hand. I was touched by so much manners and politeness. I'm not used to that anymore. I was so perplexed that I gave the stranger my entire box out of sheer gratitude. When I found my words again, I had two questions for the homeless man.
"You wouldn't happen to have a cigarette for me, would you?" He laughed out loud and gave it to me.
"You wouldn't happen to be the illegitimate son of Louis van Gaal?" He didn't understand the question. Nevertheless, he continued to smile. We were very close as people.
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11 Responses
Well, I don't know, I can't agree with that. I don't know that. A forced "you". Maybe I'm different. I don't use it randomly and certainly not with older people. I would find it strange if we were to address each other as "you" among friends and acquaintances. I think Lisa Eckart sees it the same way as you do, Mr. Löcke. As long as the interaction is respectful, it's not so important to me whether it's you or her. But the fact is that even when I'm offered the "Du" by people I've been on a first-name basis with for years, I find it difficult to slip into the "Du". There are more important things for me at the moment.
My grandmother (born in 1900) was often addressed as "grandma" by one of our neighbors. With loving respect for her, I remember how she always replied energetically and confidently: "YOU are not my grandson, I am still Mrs. Winkelmann to you." The "you" is an offer that you can make to someone based on a shared experience. And it is part of successful communication that the other person is allowed to reject it because it may go too far. I have always had good experiences in my professional life with being Mrs. Stallbörger. In this environment, it creates a distance that I believe is important. Thank you very much for this contribution, Mr. Löcke!
Dear Mr. Löcke,
Thank you very much for this, once again, very successful column. Yes, this issue also haunts us and we have already written to companies and objected to this constant "Du" at every turn. And if you are addressed in writing, it would at least be polite to capitalize the "Du". But not even that. There is an "in" place here where you are asked at the entrance by a girlie how you would like to be addressed. Is that already a bonus? Or is it not a matter of course as an older person to be addressed by young people? Probably not any more. It all has to do with everything. I actually avoid using such harsh terms, but unfortunately there is a decline in culture. A lot has to do with the so-called social networks, the television program that you can practically forget. The way young children talk to their seemingly helpless parents in early evening movies is quite telling. Then there are the "new citizens", who naturally bring their way of life with them and, not always, care little about our rules. The StVO, for example, seems to be just a piece of paper. But what's the point of complaining, you have to be able to assert yourself in case of doubt.
Best regards.
The fact that 'Du' is usually written in lower case usually annoys me even more than being overly addressed by 'Du'.
What is fatal here is that it is (wrongly) demonstrated by those who should know better.
Dear Mr. Langemann,
Dear comment readers,
Thank you very much for this wonderful contribution.
I can only agree with one of the previous speakers: Your website and mailings are AN ISLAND of relaxation in today's times of literally crazy leading media, "science" and politics.
I first had to deal with the "Du" issue professionally this week on Tuesday. As a specialist lawyer for employment law, I drew the attention of my client, a works council, to the fact that the mandatory introduction of the general "DU" within the company (which had already happened on the company side) was and is subject to co-determination (Section 87 I No. 1 BetrVG) and that he could still "open this barrel" today because co-determination rights do not forfeit (expire).
You get to the heart of the matter in your article:
The one-sided imposition of a "DUz" culture contains coercion, which is not good for you and can traumatize you. Traumatized people in particular, who I often encounter in my professional practice and who are usually unrecognized, show a very low tolerance to frustration.
The INDIVIDUAL consent of all those involved in the communication is part of the you.
If the DU is okay for employees, colleagues and superiors INDIVIDUALLY and casually, then the Du is okay.
But if only one communication participant prefers more distance, then that's not only okay, it's part of the program for every respectful person.
I wish I had experienced their encounter at the station myself.
As a "never-smoker", I immediately wonder whether I'm underestimating the social component of smoking.
But at a time when the population is being poisoned in a sneaky, hidden way (conventional medicine (especially "vaccination")) and large food corporations as well as possibly drinking water supplies and chemical weather manipulation), I prefer to continue to ensure that my life is as free of toxins as possible, as far as I can shape it myself.
Explanation:
Thanks to the coronavirus-related urge to research, I have now discovered elementary biology, according to which, in my amateurish summary, there are three main pathological conditions: Injury, intoxication and traumatization. Everything else is probably charlatanry.
I haven't been able to disprove this yet, but I'm only a layman in this field.
Keep up the good work, Mr. Langemann, you can be sure of my monthly "subscription fee".
Best regards
Yours, Alexander Roth.
Dear Mr. Langemann,
Thank you very much for your work!
Your website is like an island in this crazy world.
Greetings from
Franconia
Peter Schubert
A very beautiful, hope-giving, thought-provoking story and incident that shows 2 very important characteristics of human interaction that characterize us humans but seem to have almost been lost.
1. mutual respect for each other
and
2. giving is more blessed than receiving
Where have all the positive qualities gone, or what or who has robbed US of them, which characterize US as the special, top species of all living beings on this earth?
Thank you very much for your beautiful and valuable contribution Mr. Löcke!
Community makes you possible, but not necessary.
She always maintains a good distance and shows respect for and for each other!
I also had a nice encounter at a train station recently. A (much younger) woman had approached me for information, we got talking, traveled quite a distance together and sat down for a coffee at the next station (HH main station) because we had to wait for our next connections. During the unusually close, intensive and almost confidential exchange and the agreement to continue the contact over the long distance, she asked me, after we had already introduced ourselves by name and I had given her my business card, if she could say YOU. I almost gave in, but as I liked and appreciated her, I said "no".
She was surprised, but not only did she understand my subsequent explanation, she was really pleased and thanked me for my clarity, seriousness and steadfastness - which surprised me again.
We are still in contact - respectful and approachable. Let's see what happens.
PS: But I confess, as a young man, 40 years ago, I couldn't understand why not everyone was on first-name terms, especially if you got on (reasonably) well.
Later, I realized what a wonderful opportunity for respectful encounters - and also for distance - the German language makes with you.
And much later, I learned that English speakers only seem to use "You" to address each other. They have other linguistic ways of expressing respect for and distance from each other. This is something that (most) Germans have not yet understood.
I think it's bad nowadays when you can't avoid the "you" at all because it's just so common, for example in clubs or among motorcyclists. I would get closer to some people more quickly and consider using the "Du" if we first met with a respectful "Sie".
And taking back the "you" and switching to "you" is like heresy among believers, you make yourself a leper. I can't remember ever having managed to do that, despite repeated cravings in that direction.
Dear Mr. Lauhöver,
I think the "you" is appropriate, especially towards venerable older people, and it forces itself on me.
I was still 20 and an older lady over 80, a grandmother of a friend, wanted me to call her "Du" on the first day we met. This "Du" just wouldn't come across my lips, so I avoided it by paraphrasing. After a few weeks and lots of nice conversations with the grandmother, the "Du" had matured and became something I could say.
I was offered a late "you" by my future mother-in-law in front of the registry office. No, we hadn't gotten married head over heels! We had known each other for over 6 years and we already had grandchildren. Until then, I had addressed the woman as grandmother and also paraphrased the "she" as much as possible. Now, several decades later, she is still my grandmother.
I once had to take back a "you" at work. A colleague I was friends with (I fed his fish when he was on vacation) had adopted the bad habit of greeting me every morning by shouting loudly across the large company hallway.
I was very embarrassed and had asked him unsuccessfully not to do that.
Back at "her", all embarrassment ceased from then on and I was able to continue feeding the fish in his absence. The situation had been resolved.
Many greetings also to Mr. Löcke and Mr. Langemann
Burghild
Just for the choice of topic: Thank you very much! Because it opens doors for me. The insistence with which I am now greeted by the unsolicited "you" has so far not led to blunting, but on the contrary to even more repulsion. From a rational point of view, it is clear that the target group addressed is probably in the majority and people like me and Peter Löcke are in the minority. But if it were up to me, I would at least give the form of address a choice.
Instead, things that are inherently fixed are put to a choice. As with gendering, our beautiful mother tongue is also impoverished when it comes to form of address. What a disgrace! What a disrespect! Respect, on the other hand, was shown by our teachers in the sixth form, which I started as the youngest in the class at 15: We were delighted at the suggestion that we should continue to be addressed by our first names, but henceforth by Sie, and gratefully agreed. First name and you is a nice intermediate stage on the way to more trust and therefore closeness, which at the same time shows a high level of respect, even today! It requires empathy for the situation and the person, so a little effort, or at least practice. Which may be the problem.
A young new tenant stormed into the apartment 15 years ago and approached me as janitor. We didn't know each other. I was still in my 40s, but I instinctively responded to her outstretched hand and the surprising words "I'm Moni!" with a friendly smile, a grasp of her hand and the reply "And I'm Mr. Schneider." That was the only thing that fit! And I taught her, not arrogantly, but with a lot of respect. Tenants are on first name terms, what else? And vice versa, of course. I also address my neighbors as Mr. Schneider, even for decades. Of course, there are exceptions that prove the rule. But only in special circumstances. Thinking about it, I'm amazed to remember that I've been on first-name terms with a few tenants when circumstances allowed and the chemistry was right - but not a single neighbor since my student days, no matter how close and well they knew each other.
So I can only confirm this: Closeness and distance are not recognizable on the surface, but something as important as, I like to repeat: respect!
I am always impressed and amazed by Mr. Löcke's eloquent texts.
Best regards Mr. Löcke!